I hustled up the stairs, grinning like a kid about to dig his spoon into the forbidden leftover birthday cake - eyes large with giddy abandon.
“I’ll take the kids out. You take the afternoon and enjoy some time to yourself” my sweet husband told me.
I kept my cool as I got the kids' clothes on and found their jackets. I wanted to toss them out the door as quickly as I could, but pretended to be oh-so chill.
Time's-a-ticking! I think as my husband gets their waters and snacks and gets them buckled in the car.
I can feel the butterflies rising in my gut - the giddy anticipation bubbling in my belly.
Two hours to myself in a quiet house. A dream.
But a dream that always seems to come to an end too soon….
There is so much noise out there in the universe about “self-care”. In fact, at the time I am writing this, the term is searched for 74,000 times a month on Google. That is crazy. We, as a culture, are obsessed with self-care.
And this obsession has gone too far.
It is true - we do need to take care of ourselves (and we will talk more about that in Part II of this series), but we first need to be aware of the dangers lurking around the idea of self-care for stay at home moms. Self-care is good and necessary when it is looked at with the right perspective. But too often self-care is looked at through the wrong lens.
3 Warning Signs For The Stay At Home Mom And Her Self-Care Routine
1. You Are Not Addressing The Real Issues
There are some real, legitimate reasons that stay at home moms need time to ourselves - time spent doing things that we WANT to do. But, a self-care routine that doesn’t address the real issues, that focuses on the surface level - the “NOW” feeling - isn’t going to work. There might be a problem if:
Your self-care routine is an outside fix, but does not address what is going on on the inside.
Manicures are great, an afternoon alone is fabulous. But those are both surface level fixes. If you are feeling stressed out as a mom, then a manicure on a Saturday afternoon is not going to help you long term. You need to figure out what is causing the stress, then put systems in place that help you deal with that stress better. This is hard, however, because it takes introspection and deep thought. But the work is worth the effort.
Your self-care routine is an escape from your life
If this is true for you (and it has totally been true for me) -- red flag alert! You can escape for an hour or two, but mama you still have to come back to everyday life. God did not create you for one hour a week of freedom. He created you to thrive where you are - to thrive in YOUR life, in what you have been given.
When your self-care routine isn’t a magic cure for unhappiness, you feel discouraged.
If there are real issues going on, a cup of coffee at a cafe is not going to solve your problems. If you find yourself feeling more down once your designated “me-time” is over, then you need to re-evaluate what you are doing to take care of yourself. Because at the moment it looks like you are not.
2. You Think Self-Care Is About You
Well isn’t it? Isn’t self-care all about myself?
No, actually, it is not. Or at least it shouldn't be. We will talk in more detail about this in part II, but for now let’s look at the dangers of believing that self-care is about you:
You put self-care above the care of others
As a stay at home mom you have chosen to be at home with your babies - to raise and nurture them. So that is your job. As such, their needs come before yours - not because they are more important than you, but because they are children who need to be guided.
So yes, you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kiddos. But when that comes with an entitled “I need this time” attitude, it is hurting your kids - not helping them.
You find yourself saying “I deserve”
I am no Biblical scholar, but I have yet to find a verse in the BIble that reminds me that I deserve to indulge in a gooey, thick slice of dark chocolate brownie after a long day with the kiddos. Those words “I deserve” are some of the most overused lies in our society. We don’t “deserve” anything. If we do deserve something, it’s much worse than what we already have.
Self-care is not about what you deserve - it is about what we can do to better serve others.
Yes, this can sound exhausting, I know. But stick with me, because in part II I will explain why this is actually more fulfilling this way.
You are using “self-care” as an excuse to indulge
Occasional indulgence is not a big deal (and can even be a good thing every now and then). But using self-care as an excuse to indulge usually does the opposite of what it is intended to do.
How many times have you downed that whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s and felt BETTER about yourself? How many times have you vegged out and watched 6 episodes of Suits and felt more energized because of it?
Your self-care routine should give you more energy, more excitement about being a mom, and more positivity. Too often we use “self-care” as an excuse to do the things that make us the opposite of who we want to be.
3. You Think It Should Be A Quick Fix
In reality, self-care is about hard work and discipline. It’s about making yourself better. You might think that self-care for moms is about a quick fix if:
You practice self-care in spurts
Self-care should be looked at as a long range game plan. Self-care should be about making changes and taking the time to figure out how you can be a more whole human being. More often than not, this means building habits and practicing discipline - and that takes constant time and energy. While scrolling through social media for 30 minutes in your bedroom by yourself may feel like self-care at the moment, I doubt you will leave that bedroom with the long-term change that you crave.
Your self-care routine is about having fun - when it should more often be about doing what is hard.
I love fun. My husband likes to say life is misery - I like to say life is a grand adventure. So trust me when I say I think fun is super important.
But self-care should not necessarily be about having a good time - it’s about taking care of our bodies and souls in a holistic way. And that work is often more akin to trudging up a mountain than lying on the beach, basking in the sun.
Self-care should be more about denial, discipline, and hard work, and less about fluffy blankets and hot lattes.
That particular day, when my boys got back from their outing, I was more distracted and distant than I had been before they left. The little taste of time all to myself made me more thirsty for it - not more satisfied.
That day, while my boys were out riding bikes in the sun, I ended up watching random YouTube videos and eating chocolate - while attempting to do some laundry.
You would think an afternoon alone would have revived and regenerated me - but it didn't. And that is on me because I chose to use my afternoon in a way that fulfilled what I wanted in the MOMENT, instead of doing what would truly rejuvenate and energize me.
So what should I have spent my afternoon alone doing instead? Oh I’m glad you asked. We will get to that next time, in part II…
But here is the crux of the matter (and what we delve into more in part II): more of yourself will not help you with yourself.
While common, quick self-care practices might feel good in the moment, lasting change is going to take a little more work than a bubble bath and a glass of wine (though, if I’m being honest, that does sound fabulous).
Join me next Monday and let’s talk more. Can’t wait to see you there!
Rooting for ya,
